It was like Christmas all over again. It's not often that I get a thrill like being quoted in the Washington Post claiming that the President-elect is probably some kind of animatronic puppet, like something Speilberg builds for close-up shots in a monster flick.

Somewhere deep in the humming bowels of the FBI, a new file is opened.

Actually, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if such a file didn't exist already, owing to my onetime tendency to do things like spray paint human silhouettes on city streets on the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima. Not to mention a more recent tendency to start websites for fictitious organizations that espouse black-helicopteresque theories of UN-sponsored Guinea Worm eradication programs.

"You could do a FOIA request," Susan proposed. Under the Freedom of Information Act, private citizens can request a copy of their FBI file. It's kind of like writing away to get your credit report, particularly since both agencies are secretive bureaucracies with the capacity to ruin your life at their slightest whim.

The thing is, if I were the FBI, and someone wrote me asking for a copy of their file, and they didn't have a file, I would waste no time in starting up a file on them. Clearly someone like that is up to no good. Also, I would program a web-based spider that would search the Internet and make note of pages that used the word "FBI" numerous times, which is why I will use the term "Eff Bee Eye" from now on.

So I went to their website, at Eff Bee Eye Dot Gov, and looked for a prominently displayed button saying something like "Request your file here." Much to my surprise, there was indeed a link entitled "Freedom of Information Act." Less surprising was that it led to a page that was unapologetically unhelpful to anyone interested in requesting their file. The page described the tremendous hardship that complying with FOIA requests places on the agency, and then linked to some other off-site resources. But after a little more digging, I unearthed the bare bones of the information I would need.

[I was intrigued to note that the first useful link in the chain was one of those little "how to" brochures that inevitably come from Pueblo, Colorado, where monstrous silos apparently house stacks of helpful government publications. Check it out at http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov/cic_text/fed_prog/foia/foia.pdf.]

First off, it turns out that what I would be filing is a request under the Privacy Act, which allows citizens to seek information on their own files that would be withheld from others for reasons of personal confidentiality. Second, there's no single federal resource or coordination for such requests -- you have to place one at every agency and subsection where you might have a file. I perused a dizzying list of federal agencies, some of which I had never even heard of before, before settling on my first choice, the Eff Bee Eye.

There are some advantages and disadvantages to a Privacy Act request. On the plus side, you can only be charged the cost of copying the materials you request; on a FOIA request you may be charged for the staff time to research and respond to your request. Unlike a FOIA request, in which the agency must reply within 20 business days, there is no time limit for responding under the Privacy Act. Under both Acts, the agency has the ability to withhold information if it deems it necessary under certain criteria, such as national security. I would be enormously surprised if my file was associated with issues of national security, but I would certainly spare no time in bragging about it at the next party.

Before long, I'd drafted my Privacy Act letter. It sounded terribly official: "Under the Freedom of Information Act, 5 U.S.C. subsection 552, and the Privacy Act, 5 U.S.C. subsection 552a, I am requesting access to any and all records..." Off it goes into the mail! And then we wait to find out if my reputation precedes me.