Bristol-Myers Squibb Company Wants You! I went to the doctor yesterday to see if he could fix a nagging sore throat I've had for several weeks. He looks a little bit like Dr. Mark Green on "ER," and this fact makes me irrationally familiar and trusting in his presence. Anyway, it was one of the least invasive doctor's appointments I've ever had. Maybe this is because I saw a doctor infrequently when I lived in Senegal, and so each appointment then was like a protracted search-and-destroy mission against all the assorted parasites and ghastly diseases I'd picked up in the last year. By the end, I always felt like the doctor had managed to poke and probe me with nearly every loose item in the entire office, and drained off a gruesome amount of fluid for analysis. So I generally stay away from doctors' offices. But when you become self-employed and start paying your own health insurance, you start to feel like you're wasting money if you don't find a good reason to go to the doctor every month, if not every week. So I went. My doctor said there's very little wrong with me, probably just a mild allergy to dust or mold (take your pick). I began to speculate about possible psychological causes. But something else stole my attention: my doctor, the trustworthy Mark Green, was coordinating a human drug trial. Not just any drug trial, but a "randomized, double blind, placebo controlled, efficacy and safety study"! A human safety study! And he needed volunteers! The drug in question is a new oral treatment for cold sores. Basically, they give you a drug (or a placebo), and you go home and wait to get a cold sore. If you don't get one in the six-month trial period, tough luck: you don't get to go down in the annals of science. If you're lucky enough to get a cold sore, and you happen to be in the "medication" group, you get to ingest a drug with unknown side effects that has yet to be approved by the FDA. I was interested; it's been a while since I did any illegal drugs. It seems like most drug trials out there are looking only for people with specific conditions like bipolar disorder or morbid obesity. Here, at last, was a human drug trial for everyone. I immediately asked for some written documentation to evaluate whether I wanted to take part. "This consent form may contain words that you do not understand," the consent form began. "Please ask the study doctor or the study staff to explain words or information you do no clearly understand." I flipped idly through the nine-page description of the study. Words that I understood quite clearly jumped out at me: "The total amount of blood drawn in this study is estimated to be less than one-quarter cup." Okay, I thought, probably not all at once. I read on: the treatment "is an experimental drug and could have side effects that are not yet known." It was "found in some laboratory tests to damage genetic material." There were a couple references to testicular degeneration, and moreover, "Your condition may not improve or may worsen while participating in the study." On the plus side, the form noted, "if important new information regarding the study drug is discovered, you will be notified." And the staff member who gave me the form mentioned that I could make up to $200 for participating, provided I obligingly developed a cold sore during the study period. So you can see why I'm tempted. Testicular degeneration and genetic damage are high prices to pay, but someone has to be willing to take those risks for the sake of science and my new expensive computer.