Two messages arrived recently from men in my life. The first was from the minister who emailed me last month to say:

There is something of the 7 sins web page that reminds me of children who jump in and out of traffic. People who are cognizent (sic) of the real dangers involved are concerned, if not actually angry, at the children who treat such serious matters so flippantly. Of course the children so involved are animated by that sense of power and invulnerability. Such are we who trifle with sin for amusement. Those who realize the seriousnes (sic) of sin, and our entrapment, realize our need for a savior. Who might that savior be? Do you have any ideas, opinions, or convictions?

I discussed my reactions to this message in this entry, but held off on responding directly to him for a couple weeks. Despite the transparent agenda, something about this letter nagged at me a little. Perhaps it was nothing more than the fact that the author expressed himself with more aplomb than the occasional "you are a sinner!!!! but God loves you!!!" messages I receive from time to time. Certainly he hit a nerve with the implication that I (and others like me) are mere children compared with those enlightened by the teachings of whatever religious world-view he's advancing. I also defensively took the final sentence to imply that the online chronicle of my life conveys no compelling convictions.

The mere fact that the letter irritated me suggested that I needed to ponder my own reactions a bit. Finally, I decided that what I had said in the earlier entry was all I really needed to say. My early reactions were supported by longer consideration, and I didn't feel I was in need of additional spiritual counseling from a stranger. I sent the minister an email pointing out the journal entry. I tried to impart a sense of finality, having no real desire to prolong a discussion of the topic. A few days later I received this message:

Thank you for your e-mail of 3/10/99, and for directing my attention to your ongoing journal. I appreciated your image of the trenches vs. hilltop perspective on moral issues. It strikes me that you have an appreciation for the contours of moral discourse; you recognize that not all perspectives are equally valid, and that some things appear less distorted from a proper distance. Is it unthinkable that there may exist absolute (not necessarily simplistic) certainty on some moral questions?

Let me flatter you a moment by saying that you are not wrong to think that what you write is meaningful. I raise the question whether there is objective correspondence between what you and I find meaningful in your web site, and real life. Does the sense of right/wrong point to any objective quality, or is it only one of those matters of taste about which there can be no discussion?

If the seven deadly sins are real, objective dangers, is there any real, objective help? What do you believe?

Once again I felt flummoxed by the helpful minister. Susan pointed out that if I really didn't feel like engaging the man in dialogue, the most intelligent response would be to delete the message and not bother responding. Clearly, my desire to retort illustrated that the topic is a significant one to me, touching on questions that I have yet to answer for myself. But I also sense that the answers come not from him, but from me or some other power still skirting my consciousness.

Dear Fr.Zeile,

Thanks for your recent email. If your questions stem from an earnest desire to understand my beliefs, I can only suggest that you spend some time reading what I write in my journal. If the answers aren't there, then I have either failed as a writer or have no concrete answers to articulate. The journal, like the way I live my life, must pass for the best statement I can yet muster about right and wrong.

However, I tend to believe your desire is to engage in a quasi-Socratic dialogue with predetermined conclusions. I'm posting your letter because I think the ideas you convey are worthy of careful consideration, but I cannot supply a glib answer. From where I stand, the answers are lived and struggled for, assembled through experience. If you are in a position to know the correct responses, then you are somewhere I have never been. There are trusted and cherished people here to whom I look for guidance as I find my way towards that land. I often doubt I will find myself there, but I'm glad to have company on the way.

The Reverend Zeile's homepage is here. You can read his prayers against the Seven Deadly Sins here. On the topic of fathers, read his elegy to his own. The web can be an impersonal place, facilitating easy antagonism, but it's hard to feel antipathy towards anyone who expresses sincere gratitude for the presence of other people in their life.

The second letter was from my father, who at one point said:

With more time to do it, I have been keeping up with your daily writings on the Seven Deadly Sins site. It gives me much more insight into you, but a "sadness" seems to fill a lot of what goes on in your head and that makes me sad. Not that I can do anything about that. But, as your father, I just care and love you and want life to bring you success and piece of mind and a feeling of contentment from time to time.

I found myself touched by this. I was also relieved to note that on the day he sent it, I was posting an entry which serve no purpose other than entertainment, and which aspired (possibly successfully) to humor. Scarcely a mention was made of my recent bout of morbid mopeyness. It felt extremely good to have fun at the keyboard again, and hold off on performing a complex excision and dissection of my moods.

Both my parents read the journal regularly enough to possess a sometimes-alarming awareness of the inner workings of my life. My mom recently called and asked how I was.

"Fine," I answered.

"That's not what your website says," she responded.

I found myself touched by this.

Public service section

Incidentally, I've been loving a new CD I bought, "Score" by Haslinger, listening so incessantly that I'm still waiting to get sick of it. It's a dark jazz/street/torch song hybrid that I highly recommend. If you have Real Audio installed, you can listen to a few tracks on Amazon.com here. For those purists (and I'm not one) who feel that fronting books and music for Amazon cheapens online journaling, I've installed that link so that I'll make no profit if you buy the CD yourself. This is just a public service to promote good audiophony. Another recent find is the Internet simulcast radio station Groovetech, out of Seattle. They're only on-air from 10-10 Pacific time, but they run a delightfully funkeclectic show, and you can watch their DJs spin on the herky-jerky videocast while you listen along.